MY Muse

In this installment of the MY List, I am going to get into MY Muse, or my creative inspiration.

Now, I don’t think it is any one person who I see as MY Muse. I know it helps when I have a girlfriend because I bounce ideas off her more often. Good or Bad, whoever I call my girlfriend usually hears all my crazy thoughts. But, being single now, I try and bounce my ideas off specific friends. It’s no offense to anyone, but I bounce idea off certain people over others. I just choose to bounce ideas of friend who can give me feedback and help me develop them.

Now where does my inspiration come from? ANYWHERE! And that is NO exaggeration. I could be driving, sitting in a meeting or seminar, working a non-film related job, ANYWHERE. These are just a few of the places I have been sparked by inspiration. Once I come up with an idea, I just sit back, talk to myself (Yes, I really do that), and try to build the ideas up into a viable project.

Now, I have some good ideas I am developing. Some are simple and some are more complicated, but none have started shooting yet. I have also been focusing lately on projects that can bring some money in and help me in that very needed category. As much as I won’t get into too much detail about the films I am developing right now, the next installment of The MY List is MY Movies and I already have an idea of what I’ll discuss and what information I’ll let everyone know.

I think the problem I have in this category is finding the motivation to jump up and get projects off the ground and start shooting. Now, several of the projects I have on the table are fairly simple. I could produce them with minimal requirements outside of what I already own. I just lack the “get up and go” to do it. Some of my problem is procrastination, like I discussed in my last Blog. However, a lot of that procrastination in my creative ventures stems from fears I am dealing with.

Now, I know I have two typical fears: Fear of Failure, but also Fear of Success. Yep, two big fears that are entirely normal. I am afraid that what I produce won’t be good enough. It’s that natural doubt in my abilities that holds me back most of all. Having a childhood where I was filled full of doubt doesn’t help either. Next, my fear of success can seem silly, but it stems from the question of “if my work is good enough and I move to the next level, will I be good enough to keep moving forward?” Now I am striving to do everything I can to overcome my fears, and as I work them out, all the support from my friends is truly helping the fears dissipate. THANK YOU ALL!

I do love to hear your comments and support. Your words of encouragement help keep moving forward and in the right direction.

MY Motivation

Well, I don’t think it is a secret that I procrastinate. I know the next topic is MY Muse, so in that Blog I’ll get into more creative problems I’m having. But right here, I’m going to try and vent some of the frustrations I have over not being able to get things started or finished. Whether it is physical, emotional, or financial, I just seem to manage to put things off for any number of reasons. I don’t know if it is fear, procrastination, apathy, or something else.

I have putting things off to art form now. Whether it is taking the trash out, sending an E-mail to a friend or possible job, doing my laundry or dishes, and sometimes eating, I can put things off. And with it being winter and running the heat inside now, I have a tendency to doze off and sleep more often than I should. It sucks. When I get too warm, I get sleepy.

No I do believe it is CLASSIC procrastination, and truly only sometimes laziness. Like writing a paper in high school or college, I can find something else to distract me. And sometimes distract me to a furious deadline when things get rushed. Now, don’t get me wrong. I get things done. Sometimes at the last minute, sometimes late, but they DO get done. And I’m told what I do is pretty damn good, even when rushed, but I am trying to do better and take my time, the way it should be.

Now, I greatly appreciate all my friends who keep me going. My friends keep my head up when it falls; keep me moving when I stop; and reassure me when I doubt myself. One element in my life that helps is when I have a Girlfriend. Usually, having a girlfriend makes me smile, reduces my stress, and keeps me more positive. Being single always adds a little extra stress and a lot more reliance on my friends to keep my head up.

Now, I know I can handle things on my own. And I don’t need a parent standing over me telling me what to do. But it always helps when you have a positive voice reassuring you that you are doing the right thing; following the right path; and making correct steps forward. It’s amazing how small, simple words of reassurance can have great affect on making things move forward.

I am trying to get a few things moving in my life. Here are some of the things I’m working on:
- Reduce/Cut Back/Quite Smoking – Yes, I know it is a second attempt, but as of today, Monday, October 27, 2008, I am on 2 full days of not smoking. I’m trying.
- Working out/Exercising/getting in shape – Well, I have been walking my neighborhood. I don’t have the money to join a gym, but in the future I plan on it. Right now, I’ll keep walking and soon I’ll start other exercises at home.
- Cleaning/organizing my house – I have done minor things, but I need to make bigger strides. Not having a job, I should have more time to get more cleaned, and so I’m trying to get off my couch, but it so comfy.
- Getting/finding a job – This is something I have been trying to move on. I organized a freelance list for St. Louis. Now is the task of getting my resumes and cover letters out to all those companies. A few have gone out, but the majority will go out tomorrow afternoon.

Overall, I’m trying to keep my head up. I’m trying to move forward. And any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. So please post your comments. I look forward to hearing from you.

MY Friends

To start my friends are probably one of my greatest assets. They build me up, back me up, keep me on the level, and sometimes they keep me grounded in reality. They are my shoulder to cry on, those I like to drink and party with, they are biggest and oldest fans. I guess I would have to say my friends make me who I am.

To all my friends, I owe you all a huge debt of gratitude and countless “thank you”s. I know I’m bad about returning, and often making, phone calls and sending E-mails, but I am trying to do better. Also, don’t be afraid to drop me a line either by phone or via E-mail. The road does go both ways.

Now, I take pride in trying to be a good friend. I always attempt to make myself available to listen to friends when they have problems, and I’ve heard them all. I’ve calmed down friends from break-ups, job losses, and the shear stupidity of humanity. As much as I am there, I know there are more friends who don’t always ask. NEVER be afraid to ask for help, regardless of what you need. If I have the time and availability, I’ll be there for you, my friends. On the other side of the coin, I’m not sure if the same is true in reverse. I always seem to have a hard time finding someone who cares enough to listen to or help me when I really need someone. And why is it that regardless of how broke or financially stable I am, I seem to be ALONE more often that not. You know, even if I have to say “NO”, I still like to get offers to do things and go out.

One thing that does piss me off is how so many friends are FAKE. They want to be your friend based on what you can do for them, get for them or who you know. Sure I know that happens more often that not in the industry I chose for a career, but I actually think it was worse working in the nightclub/bar industry. It is just sad how just because you change or loose a job, all of a sudden friends just evaporate. And I don’t mean those “Friendly Aquaintances” who just talk to you at the club/bar. I mean friend who call you to go out on nights off, come over for late night dinner, and even invite you to their house/apartment parties. It is just sad how some of those friends can so quickly turn their back on you.

And I hate loosing those I consider good friends. I know that even I will weed out those who I feel I should not keep around me, for what ever reason. Usually, I will cut out those who cause me personal harm, stab me in the back or hurt me in some other way. But it is when I loose friends for absolutely no reason, when they stop returning phone calls and ignore E-mails, I know I have a problem and get sad. I know it is part of life, friends do come and go, but it still hurts. Once someone is a friend, especially those who I feel are “good friends”, or more, I like to keep those people around.

I've come to find out that friends are VERY few and far between. I am making attempts to rekindle a few lost friendships, but usually to dead ends. I do miss my old friends, all of those that I've lost.

But more important are those that I still have by my side, I truly love and cherish those I have and hold so dear. You make me smile and laugh, you encourage and invigorate me, and you help me, not only see, but strive to be the man I need to be. Thank you all.

If you have a comment or response to my posting, please write it. I would love to hear what you have to say. Don’t be shy. Take a minute or two and just write a quick response. Thank you all for being there for me and I do hope to hear from you all.

Proud to be a Bear, just at Mizzou today

So for those of you who don’t know, I did attend Southwest Missouri State University, now named Missouri State University. However, today I drove from St. Louis to Columbia, MO for a filmmaking seminar at Mizzou (University of Missouri – Columbia). It also happens to be Mizzou’s Homecoming weekend, so there is an HUGE abundance of school spirit all over the place, which is while I’m a little fanatic about being a BEAR, not a TIGER.

The seminar featured sound designer turned true independent filmmaker Kelley Baker. Kelley had done Sound Design on a lot of Gus Van Sant’s movies, including ‘Good Will Hunting’, but desired to more out of his film industry career and focused on making his own movies his way. Now known affectionately as “The Angry Filmmaker”, Kelley had a lot of really good advice for aspiring filmmakers to keep in mind when trying to make their own films. I actually learned a little and had some of creative juices stirred up. Hell, I even came up with an idea for a Short Film while in his seminar. I’ll write more about that once I have something more developed. It’s a pretty easy idea and I should be able to pull a script together in next week or so. After the seminar, I go the chance to chat with Kelley for quite a while and actually feel that I made a great new contact in this crazy industry.

Now, I’m just sitting at Tropical Liquers, sippin on a slushy drink, occasionally getting to chat with my brother Bill. I haven’t forgotten about the MY List blog I need to write, and will try to get it cranked out later tonight for you all.

Well, I’m gonna run. Thanks for stopping by. GO BEARS!

The MY List…

As I drove around St. Louis today, I thought of a special Blog series that I am going to start and run with for the next couple days, maybe a week. It's the MY List. Most specifically a couple of topics very important in my world at this point in time:

My Friends
My Motivation
My Muse
My Movies
My Money
My Future

Those are most of the topics I plan to write about over the next few days. I'm going to pick one topic and write about it each day. This is just my way of getting some personal feelings and emotions off my chest.

I'll probably start with MY Friends. That will be probably be written tomorrow, so be sure to check back and read it. Then, I am planning on writing one new Blog per day as I go down the list. Now, I might add an additional topic here or there, but I won't take any away. I'll write about at least those six topics.

Once you've read them, I'd love to hear your feedback. So please write and post a comment letting me know what you think, how you feel, or any advice you have for me. Also, if you have any topics you think I should write about, please let me know. A lot of you out there know me well enough to know what I really need to get off my chest. If you ask, I'm pretty sure I'll write about it. I have a few things I'll keep to myself, but most things can and will be discussed.

It's been ROUGH couple of months and October has REALLY SUCKED for me. So I have a lot to get off my chest while I keep looking for a new job. Any offers? I'm listening!

Thanks for stopping by and be sure to come back each day as I write about a new topic on the MY List.

What an EH October!

So it has been too long since I’ve written a blog and caught everyone up to date on what I’ve been up to. Hmmm… Where should I begin?

First, I had a few freelance gigs in September. There were a couple of quick corporate shoots and a Charter Cable commercial, where I met and worked with Erik Estrada. There is a picture with Erik from set in my photo gallery if you haven’t seen it yet. Also, I worked on a national reality TV show. I really can’t say which one yet, but I will say it was definitely an adventure. I also helped the Paranormal Task Force of Missouri start shooting their documentary, ‘Legacy of Shadows’, which is about Zombie Road and the surrounding area. I should have some pics from that shoot online very soon.

I’m getting set to go back to Springfield for Homecoming at Missouri Sate. I’m trying to finish up a short video for my fraternity, Tau Kappa Epsilon, which shows a little of the history of our chapter over the past 59 years. Now, I would like to have been a lot more motivated and had a longer video, but it’ll be OK.

As for my motivation, I have been quite sedated. I haven’t wanted to do much of anything. My focus and concentration have definitely been missing these past few weeks. I believe it to be a combination of things. It’s kind of a cross between a lack of work, shortage of money and still dealing with some personal things in my life.

So now I’ve identified the problems I’m having, and as a good student of success, let me see if I have the solutions. For my lack of work, I am finishing up a Freelance List for the city of St. Louis and surrounding area. Once completed, I will have a list of almost every production company in St. Louis that hires freelance production personnel. And yes, I will have submitted my resume to them all. I will be making the list available to friends and colleagues who ask. Also, some great, close friends and colleagues and I are applying to as many feature films as we can. The more we apply to the better chance we have of getting one, or six. Oh yeah, I also was offered an AMAZING opportunity that will be fall back plan for the spring. As things move forward, I’ll give you all the details then.

Next, my shortage of money is kind of an illusion. I actually have a decent sized accounts receivable right now, but I NEED the money to be received. Plus, I know that with the freelance list and my ‘day job’ at the bar I work at, money will be getting better, all be it slowly.

And finally, all I’ll say about my personal situation is that I’m quite lonely. Too much time to stop and think about the past has me in a bit of a tail-spin. I greatly appreciate my friends who have listened to me and tried to help. I know I can be quite stubborn. I’ll make it, I think… And that’s all I’ll say about that. Anyone who wanted more specific details, feel free to write or call.

Well, I have to get back to work now. Thanks for listening, or I guess you were reading. I really am trying to be better and post more often. Talk to you all again soon.